Understanding Your Perfectionist Part

0.00 Welcome

0.15 I identify with self-perfectionism, perfectionism toward others, and social perfectionism (not towards community/environment). In working with my perfectionist part, is it best to tackle these sub-types of perfectionism separately or under the overall umbrella of perfectionism?

4.41 The one part of my life where I’ve sought perfectionism in and that I cannot seem to master is emotional regulation. This has led to my avoiding situations and conversations that I would like and sometimes need to have, but I am too scared that the expression of my emotions will be seen as manipulative, which I’ve been accused of in the past. I also have an even harder time explaining my thoughts and feelings when I’m in such an emotional state. Since these conversations involve others, I can’t really plan how things are going to turn out, which is how I prefer to handle situations (control). How do I get more comfortable with my emotions so I can attend to situations I’ve avoided in the past?

13.39 In the exercise, my part is having a hard time feeling validated. You mentioned that the Q&A would be a good place to discuss this. Can you share a conversation you would have with the unvalidated perfectionist part?

18.28 I feel so many of my core issues are tied to the perfectionist and they still feel like they are my foundation. Fear of failure, wanting to act appropriately in all circumstances to avoid judgement and criticism, needing to have control, pretty much everything on the list. I haven’t been able to separate the perfectionist when I have done the meditation. Where should I start? I, of course, want to solve all of these issues today – and am feeling overwhelmed and suspect I’ve made my perfectionist protect me even more.
21.20 You mentioned the Accelerator to work on remaining core beliefs. One of them is: unpredictable situations are unsafe! So I would bring that up to a 10, surrender it, bring it up again and so on. I always wonder about the end. Do I tell myself something like “I can’t control everything and that’s okay. I’m still safe”? I guess I need a visualization too, right? I find it very difficult to think of such situations. Could you please give an example how to round up the Accelerator? So I have to do it on a daily basis for weeks so that that new groove gets deep enough?

27.49 Even when I was healthier I didn’t try out new things e.g. climbing or stand up paddeling because I was afraid of people watching me and making fun of my attempts. Is that my Perfectionist?

32.10 I’m often afraid that I’m not doing the Gupta program correctly. Not doing it perfectly equals failure, not getting well. I know that it’s not true, but those doubts keep crawling into my head. There is my I.C. making fun of my attempts, the Victim feels hopeless and so on. I keep observing and talking to my parts in a kind compassionate way. Then the Perfectionist kicks in. Telling me that I have to find perfect words or else it won’t work. Any suggestions?

38.40 At least I know that I’m not alone on this journey.

39.49 I assume my perfectionist part may have developed from being criticised or corrected quite often in my late childhood (from around 8 years on) so that I now find myself with rather high expectations to myself and also often wondering in advance what people may think of me (there, I also see a people pleaser although I don’t typically surpress my own needs and I do speak up for myself). It’s more the possible view and judgement of other people upon my behaviour or words that I tend to take into consideration a lot. Now with my condition (ME/CFS), the perfectionist is not very present anymore. Should I still retrain on it and e.g. try to generally calm it and explain that for instance criticism, judgement or disagreement is nothing to be afraid of?

46.05 Are expectations on others like friends and the disappointment when these are not met always linked to one’s own perfectionist part? Or does this not necessarily have to be related and instead needs to or could also be seen as an experience that may naturally turn out to be different from what we would have thought of some loved ones’ and friends’ behaviour earlier, before we started having this condition and going through the struggles related to it?

49.13 I try to understand people’s behaviour by seeing myself in their situation (“what would I do?”) but I am almost sure that I would care more about someone close with this condition, so I struggle with understanding why and accepting that they don’t seem to feel the urge to even just send a short message a little more often or ask if they can help with anything, so it is not a very high kind of expectations.

55.30 I can’t make decisions because I always feel compelled to consider absolutely everything and find the single best possible solution. It often ends with me in tears, doing nothing at all, because I don’t know what I actually want. How can I tone down this need for perfect optimization? Above all, whether I should take over the house now, or just keep the right of residence, or move out altogether—it’s incredibly difficult.

1.01.38 I care for my parents, which involves a lot of administrative work and filing applications. I find this incredibly difficult. In particular, I often struggle to handle the billing with the health insurance provider for the people who assist me. I keep putting things off, and as a result, I lose money. How can I better manage this tendency to procrastinate? For I think it has to with my perfectionist. I am labeled as not being able to do administrative things.

1.07.09 I recognize a pattern: I am not wanted. I am never “right” or “enough”—others are somehow more right. At first, everyone loves my uniqueness; they think I’m cool and all that. I’m supposedly perfect. But after a while, I’m expected to be different, and my relationships always end the same way. I keep making the same mistake. At first, I’m perfect, but then I try to do everything to please the man, completely losing sight of what *I* want. Then another person come along, and I always compare unfavorably. I can no longer manage to be perfect, and that makes me physically ill, which is really hard to deal with. How can I be enough for myself without being perfect?

1.15.47 I have noticed that you suggested that we work with the Perfectionist (and the other five parts) in conjunction with the Inner Critic. Could this be done sequentially, or in the way that we work with polarized parts, or…? I feel the IC has a lot to answer for, and I have several of them, so how to know which one to address? Does this mean that we need to work with the five parts also when they are quiet as a preventive measure to stop the Protector #2 from stepping in? It seems like a lot of work.

1.24.16 I sense all kinds of perfectionism in my system, but currently perfectionism towards others, notably my family members, plagues me the most – and particularly towards my daughter´s boyfriend, who I have absolutely no influence over! How can I persuade my Perfectionist to let go a little? It vehemently refused to relax in the exercise because it claimed that reliability was one of my values, which is true. How do I distinguish between unhealthy core beliefs that belong to a part and my true values?

1.31.19 What to do if my Perfectionist has set unrealistically high standards about my healing schedule which then keeps activating the IC to constantly criticize me for failing to meet them?

1.37.05 Parts Mapping – Overwhelm with Parts and Parts Clusters (3 or more parts active)

1.42.19 What’s Next and Feedback Form

1.44.00 Language Interpretation

1.45.01 Goodbye and Thank You